Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Downside of Managing Up




 I had lunch with a former colleague the other day, and I asked about her boss, who was also a friend of mine.  She said all the boss did was "manage up."
   Boy did that bring up some bad memories.  It seemed most managers and directors and up  at my former place of employment focused on managing up, to the detriment of the people they were supposed to be managing.
   I was summoned to a meeting once by the senior attorney who managed the group I was in.  She chastised us for not being more collegial.  (She did not see the irony in this).  (You should have seen the look on the bantam rooster's face.  He thought he was the boss! More on him later.)
   One of the things she said that stuck with me was: "Your job is to make your boss look good."
   Wow.  And I thought my job was to provide legal services to the company.  I guess not.  For a 50 year-old woman, I was pretty naïve.   That's what I've been missing!  Silly me thought that if I did my job well, that in itself would make the boss look good. 
    Welcome to the world of managing up, or as we use to call it, brown-nosing.
 
Don't we all feel this way at some point?
     So what exactly is "managing up"?  Once again, a fancy name is given to a concept that has always been in everyone's vocabulary.   In its simplest terms, it means to focus on your relationship with your boss in order to get the best results for yourself, according to W2W Link.
    Before starting this post, I did some research on the topic of managing up.  To my surprise, all I found were tips on how to do it.  Like this one from a well-known blogger:  7 Ways to Manage up.
    It wasn't until I found this article in the  New York Times that I read anything negative about managing up.  In this article, Kim Bowers, the CEO of CST Brands, says she prefers people who are good at managing down rather than up:

I put people into two different categories: people who manage up really well and people who manage down really well, and I love the latter. If I find someone whose team would walk across hot coals for them, that’s the person I want to work with because I know there is authenticity there, and they are supporting their teams and vice versa. It’s the folks who manage up really well but have this underlying storm all the time who concern me because you don’t know if they’re just trying to charm to cover up. You want to make sure they’ve got the base behind them to go forward.

    Thank you Kim!  A good manager is a good leader who inspires his or her staff to do their best.
    I also found an interesting article in Forbes.  In this article, the author says what I had been thinking for several years as I attempted to navigate a corporate culture intent on managing up to the exclusion of everything else:  "While the premise of “managing-up” is sound, the reality of how it’s most commonly implemented is representative of everything that’s wrong with business today."
     You see, I was good at managing down.  I had a staff of four women who operated the contracting process.  They were awesome.  I taught them what they needed to do, and then let them do their jobs.  They handled every issue they knew they were capable of handling, and came to me when they needed help.  The clients LOVED them.  And, if I can believe what they told me (and I think I can), they liked working with me.  I like to think it was because I did not micro manage them.  I let them do their jobs, but I was always available when they needed me.  I also did not treat them like second-class citizens.
    Right before I left that pit of dysfunction, I asked my staff why I couldn't seem to handle the corporate environment. 
    "Because you care," was the answer.



     Another good example of how managing up can be detrimental to a healthy work environment was the VP of one of the departments (excuse me, "business functions") that I supported.  She had a degree in finance or accounting, and it showed.  One of her directors told me once that she rejected his expense report because he had over-tipped on a business meal by something like 85 cents.  I don't remember the exact amount, but it was under a dollar.
    Why did she do that?  Well, because the company had a policy about tipping, and he did not comply.  So the expense report had to be rejected.  Her management was counting on her (no pun intended) to manage the budget and control costs, and she was more than up to the task.
    Did she stop to think about how demoralizing it is to have an expense report rejected because of 85 cents?  Apparently not.   (She also axed the Christmas party that her predecessor held every year, but that is another story.  It will be called "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."  Wait.  That title is taken; I'll think of something else.)
    My friend at lunch explained that her boss did not understand what she did. 
   For example, "metrics" and "service levels" are ways of measuring performance.   My friend's boss kept asking her for service levels-- how long does it take to do a contract from start to finish?, she asked.
    That depends on many factors, my friend tried to explain, including the complexity of the deal, whether the business terms keep changing (which they often do), and how willing the other side is to negotiate.
    Just give me some numbers, the boss insisted.  Is it one week, 6 weeks, 6 months?
    The answer is, all of the above.  But the manager, who had probably already promised her manager that she would come up with some metrics, insisted on it.  Since she had no understanding of how the contracting process operated, she could not understand why metrics don't work on a process that has multiple variables that are out of the purchasing agent's control.  If she had taken the time to learn the process, she would have known better than to ask the question, and, better yet, she could explain it to her boss.
    I'm not saying that people should not manage up.  It's key to getting ahead.  But if managing up is practiced to the exclusion of managing down properly, what is the cost?

    These are my top 10 downsides of managing up:
  1. The manager does not have the staff's backs.  A brown-noser will sacrifice a minion in a heartbeat. 
  2. Lack of mentors.  Mentors care about the people who work for them.  They try to help their mentees get ahead.  If the manager is consumed with keeping her boss happy, there is no time or focus left to mentor anyone.  
  3. Managers don't bother to get to know the people who report to the people who report to them, i.e., the minions.   I would argue that it could be somewhat demoralizing to stand next to your boss's boss, someone who should know who you are, but should, and have the boss not say hello or good morning, or shine my shoes, bitch.  The boss had no idea who she was.
  4. Managers make promises to their bosses that their subordinates are forced to deliver, even when they don't make any sense.  I call this "writing a check that your a-- can't cash."  This used to happen all the time.  A director would promise his manager that he would get a contract signed before x date, and come hell or high water, it had to be done. This usually resulted in the company giving in on business or legal terms, just to get the damn thing signed. 
  5. Results matter more than people. In order to get a promotion, a manager has to deliver results. A promise made must be kept, no matter what the cost to the folks who report to the manager.   
  6. Managers can't make accurate performance evaluations because they don't understand fully what their staff is doing.  As if the performance appraisal system is not political enough already, it becomes a crap shoot.  It reminds me of frat brothers voting to admit new members and someone throws a black marble into the bowl.  Blackballed.
  7. Managers don't advocate for their staff in the appraisal process.
  8. Managers don't know what is really going on because they never hear the truth from their subordinates. Isn't that the essence of brown-nosing-- only telling your boss the things you think he wants to hear.  This can lead to disaster for the manager if he or she is caught unaware by his or her director.  Or perhaps the GC being reamed by the CEO in front of the senior management team.   And we all know that doo-doo rolls down hill.  So who ultimately gets the blame?  The minions.
  9. It makes for a sucky place to work.
  10. Morale, and therefore productivity, suffer.
Please feel free to comment and add your own example of managing up run amok.  I'd love to hear your thoughts because sometimes I wonder if I'm missing the mark.  I know I can't be the only person who feels this way.  At any company. 


   

Monday, November 10, 2014

Did you hear the one about the lawyer and the non-compete agreement?


Have you ever lived in a cage
 Where you live to be whipped and be tamed
 For I've never loved in a cage
 Or talked to a friend or just waved
Well I walk while they talk about virtue
 Just raised on my back legs and snarled
 Watched you kiss your old daddy with passion
 And tell dirty jokes as he died
The Cage, lyrics by Bernie Taupin
© 1969 Dick James Music

Did you know that lawyers cannot be compelled to sign non-compete agreements?  Yup, they are prohibited by both the ABA (American Bar Association) and the Virginia Bar.  

If you are not a lawyer you probably don’t care about this, and you don’t need to, but if you are a lawyer, you might want to make a note of this in case it ever comes up, because the same rule applies in every state except perhaps Texas. 

You should also be aware that the rule applies to in-house counsel as well.  Read on.

I'll bet no one ever asked Atticus Finch to sign a non-compete agreement.
Virginia Rule 5.6 says:

A lawyer shall not participate in offering or making:

(a)   A partnership or employment agreement that restricts the right of a lawyer to practice after termination of the relationship . . .

The comments explain the reasoning behind the rule:

An agreement restricting the right of lawyers to practice after leaving a firm not only limits their professional autonomy but also limits the freedom of clients to choose a lawyer.

The comments also mention “the public policy favoring client’s unrestricted choice of legal representation.”  That seems pretty straightforward to me.  The ABA version of the rule is  ABA 5.6.

And what about in-house lawyers?  The Virginia Bar addressed this in Legal Ethics Opinion 1615 issued in 1995.  The Bar responded to a hypothetical in which a corporation was going to hire an individual as General Counsel. The corporation wanted the lawyer to sign a non-competition and confidentiality agreement in which the lawyer would agree not to work in-house for a competitor for one year.

The Virginia Bar responded that “the non-competition portion of the agreement is improper.  

What about the confidentiality portion of the agreement?  The Bar didn't care for that either:

The committee recognizes the corporate employer’s concerns as to the preservation of its confidential and proprietary information.  However, under the Code of Professional Responsibility [the predecessor to the current rules) protection of client confidences and secrets is assured.  Therefore, the committee believes that the portion of the agreement which requires the attorney not to disclose confidential and proprietary information is superfluous. 
 
If you look at the rule above, it says that a lawyer shall not participate inoffering or making such an agreement. That says to me that the corporation should not even ask the lawyer to sign such a document, let alone try to enforce it. 
 
So, if it ever comes up, you now know what the deal is.  It seems to me that if the company you work for tries to get you to sign one anyway, that tells you something about the level of integrity of the company and its lawyers.

The inspiration for today's parody comes from Elton John's "Teacher I Need You"

I was sitting in the boardroom
Trying to look invisible
In case the VP looked at me
He was bald and he was mean
He’s a nightmare not a dream
And I know he has it in for me

He’s a prima donna diva
Pounding on the table
While the minions sit and cringe
He’s the inspiration
For my constipation
And I want to throw a brick at him
 
Oh VP I loathe you
And I’m not alone
You make people hate to
Answer when you phone
You give me palpitations
And migraines, yes it’s true
I just want to come out and say
VP I, VP I, VP I, VP I loathe you

He loves his special parking
The free gas and the driver
Just to make sure he gets home
He gets a hotel suite
And a first class seat
Yet nothing’s in that gleaming dome

So I’m sitting in the boardroom
Watching how he sucks up
To the CEO and yet I know
He’s a first class jackass
And a blowhard fat ass   
And yet I’ll be the one to go

(c)  2014 Renata Manzo
Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental

 

 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Town Halls -- I've Seen that Movie Too

I can see by your eyes you must be lying
 When you think I don't have a clue
 Baby you're crazy
 If you think that you can fool me
 Because I've seen that movie too . .
  Between forcing smiles, with the knives in their eyes
 Well their actions become so absurd
I’ve Seen that Movie Too, lyrics by Bernie Taupin
© 1973 Dick James Music Limited

 
Corporations have turned the concept of Town Halls on its head
 
    Town hall meetings began in small New England towns where members of the local community were invited to present their ideas, voice their opinions, and ask questions of their local public figures, elected officials, or political candidates.
    Corporate America has turned this idea on its head.  Now, instead of a venue for citizens (or in this case employees) to present their opinions, management uses these meetings as a tool for expressing their own views in a way that purports to be egalitarian and inclusive. But really, it's more of a "state of the union" address.  It is not designed or intended for public discourse.
    At the end of each town hall meeting, the presenter (usually the CEO or one of his shills) will ask for questions. 
     Typically, no one speaks up.  To do so would be a “career limiting move.”
     Norman Rockwell must be turning over in his grave.
     Case in point.  At my previous company, I attended a town hall in which the CEO announced the company’s new policy of “adjusting infrastructure ahead of volume declines,” which was a thinly disguised euphemism for lay-offs at the manufacturing facility.
    “Any questions?” asked the 7 foot, 300 pound former basketball player. 
Gulfstream 550: A sweet ride for $50m
    I wanted to ask — “how can you justify layoffs while at the same time the company just bought a $50+ million Gulfstream G550 jet for your own use? (The company already owned two other planes for the other executives to use.)  [Source:  flightaware.com]
     How many ‘infrastuctures’ could have kept their jobs if the company hadn’t bought that jet?
    But I didn’t ask that of course.
    Later, I met with one of my clients, Amy, who was new to the company.  I told her what I had wanted to ask.
    She replied that she had started to raise her hand to ask a question, and the woman next to her pulled her arm down.
    Amy said to the woman, “why shouldn’t I ask my question?”
    The answer:  “They don't actually want you to ask questions; not real ones anyway." 
    No, management doesn’t want any questions. 
     My department, of course, never held a Town Hall.   We did, however, have quarterly meetings, which was the minions’ only chance to see the GC live and up close -- at least if you had the guts to sit in the front of the room. Most people sat in the back.
     After all the mind-numbing presentations filled with corporate jargon, double-speak and nonsensical terms, she would ask for questions.


Bobblehead
    There would be none.  I would look around the room.  Everyone would have expressions that reminded me of Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.  (Myself included.) 
     If someone did speak, they would say something along the lines of:  “No questions.  Nope, we are just happy as clams here.  You’re doing a great job, Madam GC. Keep up the good work.” 
     It’s like that famous line in A Few Good Men” — “You can’t handle the truth!”
     Except that it’s not that exactly.  It’s not that management can’t handle the truth.  Management doesn’t want to know the truth, and they don’t care about the truth either. 
 
"I don't care about the truth!"
    Take employee surveys, for example.  They are a joke.  Management does them because they think they have too.  They provide an artificial veneer of caring. 
    In my experience, when the results come out, management highlights the good results and minimizes the bad ones.
    Hey—92% of employees like the free parking!  Great.
    Only 32% of employees think their views are important and that they feel like a valued member of a team.  Oh well, must be a few disgruntled employees.  No action plan needed here. 
    Let’s hear it for free parking!
    The fact is, employees are fungible in this economy.  What they think is immaterial.
    The only thing that matters to a large, publicly held company is “shareholder value.” 
    Or, put another way, “what the street thinks.”   Meeting or exceeding analysts’ expectations is key to upper management. 
    Take the case of Symantec, a technology company that makes Norton anti-virus software. It recently announced its second quarter earnings:

Security software maker Symantec Corp. (SYMC: Quote) said Wednesday after the markets closed that its second quarter profit rose 1% from last year, as better cost and expenses control helped offset a slight decrease in revenue.

The company's quarterly earnings per share, excluding items, also came in above analysts' expectations and its quarterly revenue met analysts' forecast. . . .  RTT News, November 5, 2014 (emphasis added).
     Another recent headline announced:  “Altria beat earnings estimate for the third quarter of fiscal ’14, led by higher pricing of tobacco products; the company also raised its guidance . . .”  Bidenessetc.com, October 30, 2104.
    Admittedly, employees who own stock in the company are happy when stock prices go up.  But if you look behind the headlines, it’s easy to see that the employees are the ones paying the price.  As the Symantec news indicated, its second quarter profit rose because “better cost and expense control helped offset [the] decrease in revenue.”
    Better cost and expense control often translates into “infrastructure adjustments” which in turn means—layoffs. 
    Another result of “cost and expense control”-- employees are asked to “do more with less.”  As employees leave the company, they are not replaced.  Instead, their work is spread around among the remaining employees.  Do those employees get a raise or promotion?  Of course not.  They are asked to “tighten their belts.” 
    But does management do the same?   Of course not.
    I once participated in an utterly useless cross-functional team that was supposed to come up with ideas as to how to make the company “more green.”  I suggested that all company cars, including the cars driven by the executives, be replaced with Priuses.

Why drive a Prius when you drive this for free?
    The room roared with laughter.
    No, while rank and file employees are asked to “tighten their belts,” upper management still gets their free cars, free gasoline, hotel suites and first class travel.  And a driver who shows up at the airport at midnight to drive the V.P. home.  The rest of us can drive.
    Or, as Bernie Taupin once put it:  “Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown.” 
Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, © 1972 Dick James Music Limited.
    So let’s dispense with the Town Hall meetings (or at least call them something else). 
    After all, vaudeville is dead.

Important note:  My current place of employment does follow the true Town Hall model.  More on that later. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday, November 7, 2014

Have Mercy on the Criminals


Have mercy on the criminal
 Who is running from the law
 Are you blind to the winds of change
 Don't you hear him any more

“Have Mercy on the Criminal”, lyrics by Bernie Taupin
© 1972 Dick James Music Limited

 
On Sunday, Billy and I went to visit his mom, who lives in South Alexandria, Virginia.  As we entered her neighborhood, I noticed yellow ribbons tied around trees and mailbox posts.  On the corner, someone had put a big sign, like the ones used outside of stores, which read “Hannah you are in our thoughts and prayers.”

It turned out that Hannah’s family lives just one block over from Billy’s mother.  The trip to and from Alexandria was sobering indeed.
 

The Accused:  Jesse Matthew
 
The Victim:  Hannah Graham
 
For anyone who has not read the news for the last several weeks, Hannah Graham was a student at the University of Virginia who disappeared a few weeks ago.  She was last seen in the company of a young man named Jesse Matthew.  Her body was found last week.   Matthew has been arrested.   Murder charges are pending.


How many parents of girls Hannah’s age texted or called their daughters right after Hannah disappeared, to make sure they were safe?  Me too.  How many parents think that losing a child would be the single most devastating event to have to endure?  Me too.
 
I can’t bear to think about what Hannah’s last hours and moments were like.  What does it feel like to know your own death is imminent?  How awful for this young woman, so full of promise.  So much ahead of her.
 
And now her parents have to live with this pain for the rest of their lives.  Life will probably never hold the same joy for them that it once did.   They will suffer more and longer than Jesse Matthew ever will.
 
If the man who has been arrested is guilty of this, and other crimes, he cut a swath of terror from Lynchburg to Newport News, and as far north as Fairfax.  And yet, until Hannah disappeared, no one even knew he existed.  If only his victims at Liberty University and Christopher Newport had pressed charges.   The subsequent crimes could have been avoided.   Not that I’m blaming those women at all; I can understand why they didn’t.  But still . . .
 
In cases such as Jesse Mathew’s, where the guilt appears to be incontrovertible, it is easy to brand the accused as a monster and want to dispense with a trial and just shoot him.   Judging by the comments I’ve read on Facebook, there are many out there who hold this view.   People want to grab their pitchforks and storm the jail.
 
I’ve also noticed that when anyone on Facebook expresses any kind of empathy for a criminal, the response is often— what about the victims?  Or better yet--what if it was your daughter who was murdered? 
 
To which I respond—what if it was your son who was accused of murder?  You would want him to get a fair trial, wouldn’t you?  Or if you were the accused, you would want all the protections the constitution provides to accused criminals, wouldn't you?   As difficult to accept as it is in cases like Matthew’s, in our country, the accused is innocent until proven guilty. 
 
(Ironically, this cornerstone of American justice is not stated anywhere in the U.S. Constitution, but it is stated explicitly in the constitutions of Brazil, Canada, Columbia, France, Iran (?), Italy, Russia and South Africa, plus the Charter of Fundamental Rights of the European Union.)
 
But why?  Why do we presume that the accused is innocent?  To protect us all, that’s why.   Blackstone said it is better to let 10 guilty men go free than to punish one innocent man.   You may not agree with this today, but it is one of the foundations of our judicial system. 
 
Jesse Matthew may be guilty, but the fact is that many people are wrongfully convicted and spend time in jail for crimes they did not commit.  According to the National Registry of Exonerations, since 1989, more than 2,000 wrongly convicted people have been exonerated.
 
For example, after spending 22 years behind bars, in 2004 Arthur Lee Whitfield was released by the parole board when DNA testing failed to turn up his genetic profile in evidence saved from two Norfolk rapes that occurred the night of Aug. 14, 1981. The testing implicated a man already in prison for other attacks.   
 
That’s why we have the presumption, although clearly it doesn’t always work out the way it is supposed to in real life.      

I’ve seen comments on Facebook that ask—why should we waste money on a trial when we know he is guilty.  Do we know for sure?  Isn’t that the purpose of the trial—to determine guilt or innocence?  If we dispense with a trial when we know, or think we know, that the accused is guilty, where does that lead?  You know very well where it leads.  It’s a slippery slope.  Therefore, there can be no exceptions. 

The comment I take the most issue with, is the one that proclaims “how can anyone defend a monster like that?”  

The Sixth Amendment says:  “In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to . . . have the assistance of counsel for his defense.”  It doesn’t say, “unless you are really guilty,” or “unless everyone thinks you’re guilty.”   No, it means every accused person, including Jessie Matthew.

Would I defend Jesse Matthew?  In a heartbeat if I had the training and skill.   It does not mean that I don’t empathize with the victims.   The crimes he is accused of are heinous—some of the worst imaginable.  As a parent, it scares me to death to think that someone would defile and kill my precious daughter. 

Make no mistake; I would want to hunt the perpetrator down and make him suffer an agonizingly slow and painful death.  I would want him to suffer as much, or more, than his victim.  As much as I would want to hurt him and hurt him badly (I’m talking Freddie Krueger kind of hurting), I would not do it.

Jesse Matthew may be a rapist and a murderer.  If the allegations are true, then he is a sick bastard and he needs to be punished.  Yet, as disgusting and distasteful the idea is, he is entitled to be defended and found guilty before he is punished.  I know this is an unpopular opinion to express right now.  Everyone is reeling from the news.  We want justice and we want it now.  

But we can’t have it now; not yet.  We must wait for our justice system, imperfect as it is, corrupt as it sometimes is, to do what it needs to do.  Even if my daughter were one of his victims.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Self-Medication; What's the Point of it all?

I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself these days.  I'm experiencing uncertainty in several areas of my life, plus discord with one person who means a whole lot to me.  It's eating me up inside.  (Even though I'm right and I'm not going to capitulate.)

But then again, no matter how good I feel, I still ask myself the same question-- why am I here?  I don't really like being alive.  What's the point, really?  It's pretty much the same thing day after day. 

When people say "it's better than the alternative" I say-- "how do you know?"  If heaven is supposed to be a paradise, why aren't more people anxious to get there?  I read the obituaries every day thinking, why can't it be me? 

I just don't get how some people are always so happy to be alive.  Billy is that way.  Because of my depression, I never feel that way.

I believe that if I dropped off the face of the earth, no one would skip a beat.  Oh sure, some people will mourn--for about an hour--and then they will go on with their lives. 

Hell, Billy will have women lined up outside the house if they've read some of my blog posts about him.  He's a saint-- and a lot of fun.  He won't stay on the market long.

In whose life have I made a difference?  Besides my kids, of course.  But even then, I've been a flawed Mom.  I'm not fishing for compliments here; I really mean this. 

What have I ever done to make the world a better place?  Nothing. 

Someone please explain this to me.

Self-Medication

I came home from a bad day at work
I like my clients
But the boss is a jerk
A guy cut me off at the Gaskins light
I’d flip him the bird but I didn’t want a fight

Self-medication
That’s what I like
It's a temporary vacation
But I sleep through the night

The dogs got out and the bank just called
My house won't sell 'cause the market is stalled
My job's uncertain; the company's for sale
I need a martini before I can tackle the mail
The doctor said don’t do that girl
It’s Russian roulette
Yeah, but I’ll give it a whirl
Self-medication helps me forget

It can come from a bottle, an herb or a pill
As long as it gives me a thrill
And takes me out of my head
Lets me float around instead
So what if I end up brain dead?

 

Monday, November 3, 2014

The Cork is Sinking


   
 

Like a cork bobbing in the sea
My emotions float with me
I’ve had a burden in my soul
Since I was young
It's still with me as I grow old
And it doesn’t help to know
I have a long way to go
Before the burden is set free

It lies across my chest
A dense, disturbing mass
The doctor says it’s just stress
And the feeling won’t last
But I don’t know
I’ve had this burden in my soul
Since I was young
And it won’t let go
 
All around me others are jumping ship
Suicide notes are posted on the net
If they can do it, why can’t I
But I don’t want to say goodbye
Not yet
I want the burden to disappear
While I stay here
Because I know
It’s not my time to go

 

 

 

 

 

Reading while driving to work-- it's easier than you think--Updated


'Cause we're rolling in heavy traffic
Judy's in the jump seat and Jody's in the bucket
Billy likes to drive and Jackie's just high
And Cindy thinks we're all gonna commit suicide
'Cause we're rolling in heavy traffic
Yeah we're rolling in heavy traffic
 
Heavy Traffic, lyric by Bernie Taupin
(c) 1988 Big Pig Music Limited
 
Do you know about Audible?  It’s great.  If you like to listen to books on tape in the car, you will love Audible.  It’s so much better than fiddling with discs, which inevitably fall in that crack between the driver’s seat and the middle console.  You know the crack I’m talking about?  The one that’s wide enough to swallow things that drop, but not wide enough for your hand to you can retrieve them.   When you are holding a coffee cup in your left hand and your right hand is stuck in that crack, it makes it rather awkward to drive.  Not that I would ever do that.   I’m too busy putting on makeup with my left hand to drink coffee. 
 
And then there’s that ridiculous set up that some fool devised where the discs are kept in the trunk!   It’s difficult to change them when you are driving.  It helps to have someone else hold the wheel while you crawl over the front seat, hang out of the back window and try to pop the trunk open.   And don’t forget to keep your foot on the gas so you can keep going. 

Audible saves you from all that.  Instead of discs, you simply download the book to your phone.  Just make sure you start the book before you start driving so people won’t think you’re texting while driving.

It’s important to pick the right kind of book to listen to while driving.  If you are on a long drive with lots of highway time, it’s ok to pick a book that is intense and requires concentration to follow. 

But don’t listen to this kind of book in heavy traffic, or when you are trying to follow directions to get to someplace you’ve never been before.  I’ve learned that the hard way.  The GPS woman kept competing with Jeremy Irons while he narrated “Brideshead Revisited.”  I kept looking for an English manor house in Yorkshire instead of an office building in Innsbrook.  It was very confusing. 

It’s better to listen to something light and fluffy when you are driving to work.   That way, you don’t miss much while you are yelling at the bozo in front of you to inch forward so you can make it to the left turn lane before the light changes.  I hate that. Or have you ever noticed when there are two lanes but both cars in front of you are driving 10 miles under the speed limit?  During rush hour?  You switch back and forth between lanes, hoping that one of the cars will turn at the next light.  You don’t do that?  I guess it’s just me.  You are probably in the car behind me saying, “what is that fool doing?”  Am I right?

Back to the books.  My choice for commuting is memoirs of famous people.  But not famous people who did something to save the world, like Winston Churchill.   No, I’m talking mostly about entertainers.  They usually narrate their own books (if they are still alive that is), so the narration is often as humorous as the book itself. 

Take My mother was Nuts by Penny Marshall, for example.  It is hysterical.  She has that New York drawl that seems to make any story funnier.   She starts with the story about a couple of guys who break into her house while she was inside.  She had a conversation with them.  They were bumbling idiots, to put it mildly.  
I also learned some things about Penny Marshall that I did not know, and probably didn’t care to know, but it was fun to learn nevertheless.   Like the fact that she went to the University of Arizona.  Arizona?  Or that she has a huge collection of sports memorabillia.  Or that she let her ex-husband raise their daughter so she could focus on her career.  It’s good that she knew her strengths.  Too bad taking birth control pills wasn’t one of them. 

Lacking motherhood skills seems to be a theme with some of these actresses.    Carrie Fisher is an exception.  But she had other problems to deal with (like electroshock therapy.)  Listen to Shockaholic.  Carrie is very forthright about her mental health issues.   She and Penny Marshall are good friends, by the way.  Laughter is the best medicine, after all.



Loretta Young
 Another great book to listen to is Kate Remembered by A. Scott Berg.  If you love old Hollywood, you will love this one.  I’ve listened to it twice.  Once for the story and once for the narrator, Tony Goldwyn.  He does a great job imitating her voice!  You’ll recognize Tony Goldwyn because he is now playing the President on Scandal.  He also played the bad guy in the movie “Ghost.”  

Katherine Hepburn


Kate knew better than to have children.   Scott tells a great story in which Kate explains why she never had children -- other than the fact that she lived with a married man, Spencer Tracy, for many years, and in those days, actresses did not have children out of wedlock.  Instead they adopted them.  Sometimes for real, and sometimes, as in the case of Loretta Young, they had the baby out of sight and then adopted the baby.   It seems like such a convoluted way to do things today, but back then, that’s what you did if you wanted to keep your career going.  Or, as in the case of Joan Crawford, sometimes actresses adopted children to revive their flagging careers. (At least according to some sources.)  Does that still happen today?  I wonder.  By the way, the father of Loretta Young’s daughter was none other than Clark Gable, who was married to someone else at the time.

Anyway, Kate (I can call her Kate now that I’ve listened to the book twice), says “This is why I never had children.  Let’s say young Johnny has a fever, but I have to act in a show on Broadway.  I would have no choice but to smother little Johnny with a pillow.”  It’s funnier when Tony tells the story.


Speaking of old Hollywood, I listened to Shirley Jones’ autobiography, called, appropriately, Shirley Jones.  Many people don't realize that Shirley did broadway shows and movies (like Oklahoma) before she became David Cassidy's on-screen mother in that ground-breaking tv show, The Partridge Family.   Who can forget that multi-colored bus?  I'm kidding about the ground-breaking part.  That  was All in the Family.

Anyway, talk about TMI.  She discusses how well-endowed her late husband, Jack Cassidy was, and how he passed that trait on to her own sons and stepson David Cassidy.  Ewwww.    Then there’s the chapter on her love of, uh, pleasuring herself?  Yeah, TMI.
Tina Fey’s Bossypants, is another good memoir, if only for the comment she makes about her impression of UVA, where she went to school—“the girls there all rode horses, or looked like them.”   In case you are wondering, she refuses to explain how she got the scar on her face.   It must have been something traumatic.

Right now I’m listening to Ellen DeGeneres’ latest book, Seriously . . . I’m Kidding.  As with many other celebrity memoirs, she narrates this one herself.  I love Ellen and I think she’s very funny, but I can’t believe this is her third book.  Poor John Steinbeck must be rolling over in his grave.  Not that I would listen to Steinbeck while I’m driving, for the reasons explained above.

Quote from Ellen's new book


The book is ok, but not in the same league with the others I’ve mentioned.  At least not so far.  In my 9.8 mile commute this morning, which takes about 20 minutes, she read 7 chapters.  I did laugh, but that says more about my sense of humor, not her rapier wit.  I can’t even remember what she talked about in that 20 minutes.  Love Ellen, though, love her.  I don't want to hurt her feelings because she seems like such a nice person who might get her feelings hurt easily.  Plus Portia looks like she could kick my ass.

But at least the book kept me from yelling at the driver in front of me or hopping lanes like a hummingbird switching between two bird feeders outside a window.

P.S.-- Ellen's book is, sadly, terrible.  The last chapter I listened to was entitled "Meditation" and consisted of a blank page.  This did not translate well in an audio book.  Blank page = silence.  Not funny, I'm afraid.  She must have used up all her funny stuff on her first two books.

Now I am listening to Neil Patrick Harris' memoir, Choose Your own Autobiography.  It is, like him, very funny.